End of Life, The Only True Illusion
by Ami Ikari
Summary: What did Shinji Ikari really feel when he merged with the EVA unit 01? And if he found the person that he always loved during his life... his mother.


End of Life, The Only True Illusion  
--------------------------------

Everything was dark when I finally woke up... probably because my eyes should still be closed, but, when I placed my hands onto my face, I found out that they where already open. And I still couldn't see anything, trying to recognize the place where I were with my senses, using my hands to feel where were I.

Nothing. It was if everything around my body were a big empty space, away from anything that could hurt me, far away from those who only looked at me as the Third Child, those who never cared about me. I doubt if they would look for me or worry about how should I be. Oh well... that place didn't look too scary at all. I would be safe from everything that could hurt me. Nobody would be able to force me to do something I didn't want to. Nobody would be able to make me do things against my own will. Neither nobody would yell at me nor abandon me... Being alone wasn't so bad, after all.

Feeling that part of my soul was happy, I sat down at the floor - or whatever should it be - and hugged my knees, hiding my face between my legs. And then I sighed with relief. I was alone again. That's the way I've always been, alone, with no one to love me, no mother, no father, raised by relatives that did nothing but obey orders. But I still had hope that, one day, I would have a normal life, with a true family... yes, that's it. That's why that small light of hope appeared in my heart when I recieved that telegram.

Gendou Ikari - Father.

Had he ever had the right to be called as 'father' or did I only call him that way because it was easier? After all, he only contributed with half of my DNA, that didn't fully qualify him to be MY father... he didn't even go to catch me at the station, he just sent another person in his place. A woman that was a complete stranger to me.

Misato Katsuragi.

I can't say that life with her wasn't fun. I would be lying if I said that... even though I ended up cooking and washing dinner's plates. It was a warrant that I wouldn't die poisoned by her 'excellent cooking methods' - something like a bowl of lamen. Life seemed to be becoming less painful, until THAT day...

Asuka.

... when SHE came into Katsuragi-san's apartment with all those boxes. Without noticing, SHE took over my peace, my life, making me feel a pain on my chest that I had never felt before. Something in my mind told me that I was falling in love with her... but... but... Asuka would never love me. Why would she, if my own father dedicated more attention to another person? 

Rei Ayanami.

A girl with no emotions, which eyes always remembered me of my father. I can't remember seeing a smile on the face of the First Child, the one who made me get into that Entry Plug and command my Evangelion unit. I never forgot the pain that I saw on that face, covered with bandages, when her stretch came by me. I never understood her and I probably never will, because they will say that I'm dead.... dead in duty... into an EVA unit... in the EVA-01... like... like... my...

Mother.

She doesn't fill much of my childhood memories. But I didn't forget the warmness of her arms, neither the scent of her perfume. Mother's perfume, as a child would say. A sweet and delicate perfume...

"Shinji."

Once more the light came to my eyes and I took some time to see clearly again. But I could see the most important thing: a woman coming in my direction, kneeling and raising her arms towards me, offering me a hug. And that was something that I couldn't refuse.

_Your naked skin wrapped in blue shadows  
Trembles quietly in this moment  
Your fingertip searches for me,  
As if asking for the whereabouts of life_

"Mama...", and teardrops began to fall of my eyes, while I felt the heat of that hug, the scent of that dear perfume coming back to me, once again.

"Oh, my dear... why are you still here?"

But those words shattered my hope again.

"Even you don't want me? You want me to go away?"

And so she smiled, her eyes filled with love. A smile that I wished that had never gone away from my life.

"You don't love me, mama? You don't want me to stay here with you... nobody cares about me. I should know that."

"Shinji", her soft hands held my face, tenderly. "I love you so much that I don't want you to stay here. Your life hasn't finished yet, dear... you still have so much to live..."

_The you that was embraced by fate  
Blooms in season like an ephemeral flower  
Leaving behind the scent of hope on your chest  
Scattering hurriedly in splendid form_

"But...", I cried, feeling that it was becoming difficult to say anything.

"Past can't be modified, but you still have a future", and she made me stand up. "You became a strong man, Shinji... I want you to live to build your future, your happiness."

"How can exist happiness in a place where everyone despises me?"

She smiled once again. "It's funny... you think exactly as your father did."

_Please come back to me,  
Before you are born  
To the earth you spent your days on  
Please come back into my arms,  
To meet again  
Miracles do happen, however many times_

I froze when I heard those words from the only person who could understand me. That could love me. She said that... I thought as my... FATHER DID? What did she mean, that I was selfish just like him? No... she couldn't be telling the truth. I cared about other people, no... I... I...

"You fear love, don't you?", she asked with her sweet voice, while small tears fell from her eyes. "You never had love, tenderness... but you became a loyal and faithful man, able to love other people. I'm proud of you, my dear son, but..."

"But..."

"But you don't know how to be loved. You are afraid of the feelings other people may have for you, afraid of being hurt and of feeling the pain of abandon and rejection. And because of that, you just give up trying", she said, stopping when my tears covered my face. "Oh, what am I doing? Shinji, please, don't cry..." and for the first time in many years, I had a warm place to cry. "... don't think that nobody loves you, because you'll be only hurting yourself. Don't make the same mistake as your father, my love."

_When eyes are closed as if in prayer  
The world simply disappears there into the darkness  
Even so, my heartbeat starts again  
Looking for a bounded eternity_

"Don't ever think that nobody cares about you."

When I heard those words, I felt that something very strong was pulling me away from my mother. And so I yelled with all the air that I had in my lungs, I didn't want to go, I couldn't LEAVE MY MOTHER AGAIN!

"Dear, they are calling for you", she told me, holding my hand softly. "And you have to go, to continue your life, find your future..."

"WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO A PLACE WHERE NO ONE WANTS ME?!", I yelled, while my body floated and began to be pulled away from my mother's figure.

"Because there is the place where you belong to, Shinji. Please don't think that you're not loved, life isn't made only of tears. Go find your destiny, my son."

"SHINJI!!"

And I heard a voice calling me, coming from nowhere.

"It's useless. We failed again."

But I had heard those voices once.

"SHINJI!! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO COME BACK?!"

Those voices... they were calling me, taking me away from my mother's touch.

_Please come back to me,  
Following memories  
To the source of gentleness and dreams.  
You, too, please come back,  
So we can love each other.  
Heart and body repeat_

"Mama...", I sobbed, while my body kept going away from the person I loved.

"Be happy, my son... be happy, Shinji Ikari. I'll always be by your side, to protect you, to love you. Never forget that."

I saw when she dried her tears with her sleeve and I tried to reach her hand once more... for the last time.

"MAMA!"

"If you ever remember this, my son... please tell your father that I'm waiting for him...", she waved goodbye, touching my fingertips.

"MAMA!"

"... and I shall wait for him forever."

And everything went black again.

"SHINJI! WAKE UP, SHINJI!", someone yelled, shaking my body.

When I opened my eyes, the light blinded me for some seconds. Soon I could finally see the face of the one who was shaking me.

"Mi... Misato-san...?"

"Shinji-kun!"

_Soul_

When I was fully recovered and could sat on the hospital bed by myself, I noticed that someone was looking at me from the chair that was placed by my bed's side.

She looked at me as if nothing was happening, but... I know it may sound weird, but she looked... somewhat... happy?

"Katsuragi-san asked me to tell you that all the synchro tests with the EVA unit 01 are cancelled until you are totally recovered, Ikari-kun."

"Thank... thank you, Ayanami. I..."

Without waiting that I finished my sentence, Rei stood up and went onto the door, turning back just before walking out of the room.

"Okaerinasai, Ikari-kun", and that was one of the rare moments when I ever saw a smile on her face.

A smile that made me feel very well. That made me remember a person that I loved very much.

"... please tell your father that I'm waiting for him... and I shall wait for him forever."

_Please come back to me,  
Before you are born  
To the earth you spent your days on  
Please come back into my arms  
To meet again  
Miracles do happen, however many times_

English version finished in March 19, 2002.  
Translated from the Portuguese version of September 23, 2000.  
The verses on the story are the English translation of "Tamashii no Rufuran", from the movie The End of Evangelion, available at AnimeLyrics.com.


End file.
